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| A koru - symbolic of new life, growth, strength and peace. - picture by Gwen Weiler |
My life has been a constant buzz of verbs for months. I have
taken very little time to sit down, breathe, and be still. Instead, I have been
reacting to a mounting list of responsibilities. It has felt like someone
slipped a corset over my torso and has been steadily tightening the strings
until I cannot breathe.
Last weekend I was complaining to my husband about the
stresses in my life – during which I even used the word “miserable” – and he’d
finally had enough. He said, “Gwen! Be grateful!”
That really brought me up short. Because I AM grateful. But
it wasn’t really until he said it, and I defended myself, that I got the
clarity and relief I’d been praying for.
The Back Story
I have been working as the project manager for Richard’s SEO
company since last July. The plan at the time was for me to come in and tighten
the position, map out all the procedures, create systems and processes for
everything, then pass the job on to someone who doesn’t have to go home with
the boss every day.
However, our decision to hit the road last September kind of put a
wrench in my exit strategy, and I’ve been handling the project management ever
since.
Well, Richard’s company was acquired by a larger one back in
November, which opened up a unique opportunity for me. You see, this bigger
company also owns a publishing house, and ever since my stint as the Editor in
Chief of my high school literary magazine, it’s been my dream to get into that
industry. I’ve wanted to be an editor for years, and have even enlisted my writer friends
to send me their books to “play” with. (Thanks friends! You know who you are….)
The good news is that I’ve been living my dream since
December. I’ve been working as an editor and writer! Cross that big fat goal written
in all capital letters off my life’s to-do list!
The bad news is that I’ve still been working as Richard’s
project manager.
The worse news is that there’s been a cruise, some other
travels, a two-week stint of whooping cough, trying to finish my own book, and
a move shoved in between the cracks, too.
I’ve been busy.
I’ve been complaining.
So Here We Are
Until my conversation with Richard, I’d been blaming
everything on my decision to add the writing gig to my list of current
responsibilities. I’d assumed the only way to find relief was to stop (last one
hired, first one fired, right?).
So when Richard told me (or reminded me, I should say) to be
grateful, I took a long look at my situation.
I realized that as stressed as I've been about this latest opportunity, the
real problem is that I'm trying to do it in my spare time, since I'm already
working as Richard's project manager. But the truth is that if I had to
pick one, I would do the writing/editing –
forever and ever. It’s very high on a short list of things I’m very passionate
about in my life.
I was amazed and relieved to see very clearly that I haven't
hated doing this - I've just hated how it’s manifested itself in my life. I
hadn’t allowed time or space for my dream, so I had to contort my life to fit
around it.
And I almost lost it.
It reminds me of my last semester of college. I was putting in
about 60 hours of schoolwork, between a 40-hour a week “practicum,” my evening
class, my self-paced class, and all the homework in between. I would come home
at night and just cry. When I wasn't doing schoolwork, I was just hyper aware
of the fact that I wasn’t doing schoolwork, instead of enjoying the break.
But it didn't change the fact that I LOVED the work I was doing
and that it was something I was very passionate about. As miserable as I was
every night, there wasn’t a single morning I didn’t wake up bright-eyed and
ready to do it all again.
It was just the pace that was breaking me.
And so it is now.
What Now?
When
I responded to Richard, it took me 10 minutes to state my case, 24 hours
for me to truly recognize its significance, and every day since for me to revel
in my new perspective of my life.
I am not an over-worked, over-stressed, over-extended woman.
I am a woman that is living my dream, while also holding on to a lot of things
that aren’t my dream. I am sad that I almost let go of one of the most important
opportunities in my life because my arms were so full of mediocre things I was
used to. And I am so very, very grateful that I didn’t.
But in order for me to truly understand that I have arrived,
there is still more that needs to be done. It’s kind of like this:
When my mom, in awe, asked my dad how he carves such
beautiful sculptures from wood, his response was simple, yet profound. “Easy,”
he said. “I just take a block of wood, then carve away everything that isn’t a
duck.”
And so it is. It’s time to do some carving.
